Friday, May 20, 2005

Only for you!

This is an open letter to you friend, a letter to accept my mistakes, to express that I am dying by the burden of guilt.

I don't give a damn as to what others say, after they read it, all I care is that you be the happiest you can be. I don't know if you would ever read this, but I would write, as I must.

I know I have erred terribly, and introspecting now, I realise that I always knew that I erred, but self denial is the best way to escape guilty feelings. And I was in self denial mode, concealed my guilt within myself assuming that, with time, things would fall back in place.

But sooner or later my conscience had to wake up, and it woke up. And I tried too hard to bring things back to normal, tried to overwork and make up for the losses. Tried so hard, that I overdid it.

I couldn't go any other way, my conscience kept telling to help you out, and thus ged rid of this guilt. But sometimes, the best help you can offer is not to offer any help! And I didn't realise it on time. Yet again, I erred, yet again I am guilty.

But my intentions were pure. I respected you so much, cared so much for you, that I had to try harder, and I did not realise that I erred again. I was interfering in your life.

I promised my Heart...that this was the last time...!
I would hurt it ...and you came along... again I broke a promise...!

Again I betrayed your trust and expectations...

I jumped with joy at your success, was so elated that I almost cried..yet couldn't express it for I was bound by a promise I had made..

And you came along again.. and I broke another promise.. I offered help again.. and yet again you refused it and yet again I was hurt. But I knew I deserved it, I deserve this pain I am going through for I have hurt one of the purest hearts I have known.

And now I throw a challenge to myself, you know what challenges mean to me. I would never offer anything to you, I would never try to help you unless you want me to.. and all this, not because I am hurt, but, because I am concerned and I am guilty.

I don't know how I would face you next time we meet, but I would. I have to. I need to.

All I want for you is happiness, take care of yourself and I would take care of mine, for I know, that would bring you happiness.

It's going to be a slippery path for me, I feel terribly guilty and yet I have promised you that I would be happy and take care of myself. And trust me, I would, for I have had enough mistakes in my quota.

As a favour, please don't forgive me ever. Now I realise that living with guilt all life long is a bigger punishment than dying on the spot.

Take care always.

I promise yet again.. I would take care of myself.. this is the last dark blog of my life... I might be thoughtful, but never dark and depressed.. I promise you.


Srinivas said...

There are parts of this post which I would like to steal and tell someone the exact same things in as in those parts... (sigh)

Chin up dude - that's a good stand you've taken - hope you put everything into perspective and carry on...

Keshav said...