My ex-colleague whom in many ways I consider my professional mentor, had once replied to an apology mail of mine. He wrote, "Keshav, never begin any communication whether written or verbal with an apology, no matter how sincerely you feel apologetic."

Point taken. That's why I began with this anecdote, as I did not want to start with an apology. And now, having done a lot of preluding already, I think I should get down to business.

So, I want to apoligize sincerely to myself. I really have been feeling sick ever since I erred. It's bad when you fail to live upto others' expectations, but it is worst when you fail yourself. And I did so. It feels completely like shit to even think of that. What I did was my mistake; I realised it the moment I committed it.

What I did not realise then, was that it could make me feel this bad about myself. It has been quite some time to that; I have apologised with utmost sincerity to the concerned person too, been (hopefully) forgiven too, but it probably wasn't enough.

I don't normally bother myself with what one opines about me, as long as I know where I stand. But then, sometimes you know exactly where you stand, and you HATE it. That's when one avoids seeing oneself in mirror, like I have been doing.

But that's not me anymore, atleast not in last 2 years or so. I am not going to sulk, feel bad and do nothing about it. I did wrong and I can't escape the aftermath, and I won't.

Trust me, it requires an immense amount of courage to accept it. And I am happy that I possess that it in plenty.

So, sorry once more. I'm sure I won't err again.

P.S - It's been a long time since I had written two posts in succession within an hour. But what the heck! I am as jobless as I could get, and then this gamut of emotions came flowing! :)