Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I am little uneasy these days!

What is it that I want to do in life? Is what I am doing right now is what I want or is it something else!

I have been postponing this thought for over 8 or 9 months now that too for such foolish reasons! Anyways, having done with that, I must ponder!

Why am I not really enjoying my work? I always wanted to do what I am doing! Or is it? No coming to think seriously, I feel I have made peace with myself, that if I have to work in this industry then this is what I am looking for! Yes, this is it!

I haven't looked beyond software profession! I love my stream, I love coding, I love everything in the field, but somewhere deep down, I want to get away with this monotonous job!

I always have admired teaching as a profession.. I still remember what joy I used to get while teaching friends in College, and it still excites me. But given other compulsions, I can't go for it.. they don't pay handsomely.. you know!

I may be a little introvert, but I relish interacting with people, managing events, taking responsibility, leading the job from front.. the feeling that you are trusted and believed in, that people rely on you gives me immense satsfaction!

And looking at the state of affairs around me, I passionaltely feel that I can handle it much better. And that's exactly what I have realised I want to do!

I want to manage things, I have so many ideas bubbling in my head all the time about how things can be improved around my workplace or any place, than I almost feel helpless not able to channelise it. I don't care what others feel about it, but I want to contribute to the society, make a difference to others' lives, just make the society realise the importance of certain principles. In fact I someday want to be another Narayan Murthy!

And it really really hurts when you can't follow your dreams.. not because you don't have the guts to, not because you don't have the faith in you, because you have compulsions.. you are tied down by the same principles that you want the society to adopt.

It hurts even more when you see undeserving people doing what they don't really want or deserve.

But deep down I know someday, I will get rid of the compuslions, and then I can chase my ambitions..but till then I must enjoy and relish my work! And I as a matter of fact admit that I haven't been giving my 100% to it over the past few months. I haven't really been loyal to my employer and haven't utilised my skils properly.. I know I am good and more than competent.. its hjust that I wasn't regular.. working passionately sporadically is not right! I must inculcate this habit for myself to enjoy it regularly.

Just needed to talk to myself, and get the courage to admit that I was wrong!

Now that I know what needs to be done.. things would change for sure!

Try talking to yourself truthfully .. and you would be truthful to all who trust you!

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